More Truth About Things….. Confessions of a Mother

I have a confession to make. I am not who I thought I was. I am not who you thought I was either.  Ya know, one can follow their passion, work and struggle and aspire to become someone or something. We can build ourselves up and take all the necessary steps to achieve goals and follow inspirational advice and listen to the heart. We trick ourselves and get lost building a persona, and make decisions and conscious choices to become what we believe we are drawn to, or what we think others expect of us. We can “get there”, we can finally arrive and have some moments of self realization, only to succumb once again and realize that time moves on and our “identity” shifts and new longings appear on the horizon beckoning us like a light house on a dark stormy sea. Patterns of longing can become such a habit that it’s easy to lose sight of the beauty of the moment, giving up treasures and gems glistening right before us. It takes a kind of refocusing – that’s all. Who and What we draw to ourselves is the energy we project unconsciously. Attitude, imagination, and gratitude – are the magic in life. We are the magicians

Several years ago I was a homeschooling mom to my 6 year old son Caleb. I wanted him to be well rounded in all areas so I took him to begin piano lessons. Unconsciously I was also fulfilling my own dream and longing that I’d had as a child to study music. It soon became evident that my son was a truly gifted musician. He had perfect pitch; he easily learned all the Major and Minor keys and could transpose music at sight, as well as play by ear. Soon he was playing local, state and national competitions with older teens and the judges were just gaga over little my son! I devoted much of my time and energy assisting him at his practices, tutoring him in theory games and having him partake in everything his teacher’s studio had to offer. I was a proud devoted mama. At his concerts I would get the most incredible emotional high and I loved asking him to play for guests. When my son turned 11 he announced that he hated piano and wanted to quit. I don’t know who was more panicked – me or his teacher. She was sure this was going to be her star student who would go all the way to world fame and she fiercely protected her right to teach him when other judges tried to take him in as their prize student! Talk about an ego trip! How in the world I wondered could a child with so much God given talent not be obsessed with playing!! This wasn’t fair. It just couldn’t be! I wanted him to love playing that piano and feel proud and accomplished – just like I did! I suddenly didn’t know who this child was, and worse yet, I didn’t know who I was anymore! But indeed he became more vehement as time went on. I tried not to react and told him that at age 12 he could make his own decision about continuing or not. He informed me that he could care less about playing and he was tired of continuing just to please us two doting ego maniacs – well yeah he basically said something like that. I pondered so much at this life experience, and still do. How could I let this dream go? I felt empty, angry and confused. Should I insist that he continue and hope he’d thank me someday? Should I let him just walk away and hope he might return to the piano again on his own? I realized that my relationship with this precious child was based on an ego trip and letting that go was one of the most painful decisions as a parent I have ever had to make. My choice to give him a good music education was not an evil choice and my delight at his talent was profound and authentic. But in my expanding ego and pride I lost track of the essence of what I wanted to give my son and got caught up in something that he recognized with his child wisdom as insane and not at all life giving.

I would have to say that for both Caleb and for me there was a lot of self discovery in this story – difficult as it was. Letting go of something I thought was impossible, first left me in a lonely kind of vacuum of nothingness and despair. Eventually though, it actually set me free to begin to discover my own dreams and released Caleb to pursue his own passions. I no longer lived vicariously through my child, and he experienced freedom to look around and take control of his world and curiosity in life.

Sometimes life is like a board game. Our focus becomes blurred with the intensity of reaching a winning end point. We dutifully follow a path and become the wife, the mother, the entrepreneur, the spiritual leader, the Olympic Gold Medalist, the best friend of that person we so admire. But in the end we discover that is not who we are. Those are paths we take, things we do and activities that describe our choices in this life, but who we are remains a mystery and a spiritual evolution that lasts a lifetime. Who I am is a GREAT mystery and if I am to unravel that mystery I must let go of everything that I think defines me.  Once I learn to let go, I can then embrace all those aspects of myself with love, and release my need to play life like a board game filled with traps that can set you back a few moves! Have you ever fallen into any of the traps that catch you like a snare and leave you hanging upside down from a tree by one foot? Oh there are so many! The trap of being perfect is one I fall into so easily. Then there’s the trap of being a victim. I won’t even go there – we all know it. There’s the dwelling in the past trap, the super achiever trap, and the avoiding this moment trap, and the big one – the being fearful of the dark places trap that keeps us twittering and running at high speed. Sometimes it takes being caught upside down by that one foot before we realize it’s not about winning the game but learning to slow down and listen with all of our heart.

Now you may be expecting some profound solution or answer to this question of just who am I? I don’t know. I don’t honestly know who I am, or where the heck I am headed, but I do know I feel profound shifting that will shake our very foundation and blast us to incredible heights if we can open our hearts to possibility and see that wild magic is afoot! For now I will just show you some pictures of myself as I believe I am at the moment. I am simply a child of the Universe with a heart that is vulnerable and can break, with hopes and dreams that keep me fully human. I am filled with imagination and wonder, naive simplicity, a need to believe in magic. I am a free spirit weaver, embracing the energy around me, one who needs the trees and the earth, wind and fire, water and air and all the creatures of the earth. I am a student of life, and special and perfect just as I am with all my faults and flaws. This is all I can hope to be. I’m fine with this – yes!

Butterfly wishes          Summer night

I invite you to gaze into these photos above and just let your heart feel the images. Feel free to join me for a bit and experience the fantasy and essence of what is real. Many of us are experiencing some profound shifts and changes. It is shimmering evidence that the soul is expanding with the magic of the moment. The world is about to change and we are going to take off! Catch your breath, let everything else go and find yourself here with me. Let’s go skipping and dancing hand in hand and release all the traps and false definitions. Let’s make a choice to spew out heartfelt forgiveness and acceptance instead of judgments, grudges and hate. Let’s start again… and again… and again…. with laughter and playfulness. Let’s capture wonder and magic and simplicity in our bug jars and wear imaginary sparkling fairy crowns of pure joy and bliss that radiate a luminous warmth and joy into every soul we meet. Ahh… Come – I’ll meet you here right now!

Much Love, Emmy Your Wild Woman

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